Dem ghorls

Ugh, it's Friday night and I'm out with my girls. I just wanna go out and forget about these stupid boys! I just wanna go out and dance! I just wanna dance!

Mark Morrison- Return Of The Mack Lyrical Video: http://youtu.be/6TBid5bCS2Q

Sad and lonely

Milan, my favorite sports team, is about to sell Mario Balotelli, one of my favorite athletes.

This is hard to admit, but when times get hard, I find myself listening to the most EMO and DRAMATIC songs. This is fucking hilarious lol

Keyshia Cole-I Remember

This whole Ferguson thing is crazy. I really wish I was still in school and could participate in a sociology class discussion about race. That'd be an interesting convo

I remember when my dad died, I didn't cry. I helped my mom go to Costco to buy party supplies that would be necessary for all the people that would be coming through our house over the next few weeks. I had my mom buy me NBA live that day. I played the hell out of that game. I would lock myself in my room, bump music, and play NBA live and grand theft auto.

Anyway, over the next few days, I remember talking to my dad in my head, telling him that I knew that I now had to step up like Robert Horry(he was tearing shit UP at that time). I thought I would be able to step up and be the man of the house.

I learned quickly that it just wasn't possible. I was just a young boy with so much to learn. I figured that if I couldn't do that, the least I could do is do my best to not be a burden to my mom.

My mom had a horrible time trying to recover from my dad's death. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and struggled overall to take care of herself. She never wavered when it came to taking care of me or Jamie, but she couldn't find it in herself to do what she needed for herself. It wasn't for a lack of trying, either. She was going to support groups for widows. She was taking sleeping pills. She was talking to our doctor for possible solutions to her struggles. Nothing worked and it got scary for a while.

Then she found relief in church. Her best friend (my sister's godmother) invited her to join the cursillo with her. Together they went through the initiation process and together they made it. Part of the initiation process involved a weekend retreat. I don't know what they did during the retreat, but after the retreat, my mom seemed like a changed person. She seemed grateful and happy for all of the blessings in her life. After that point, I stopped worrying about my mom taking care of herself.

After she joined the cursillo, she forced my sister and I to go to church every weekend as well as join the cursillo in praying the rosary each Sunday. My sister and I attended CCD each week.

I hated going to church. For me it was boring and a waste of time. It didn't do much for me. I still wish my mom didn't force church on me and my sister the way she did.

That's not to say that I hated church and religion as an insttution. I firmly believe that the church saved my mom's life. Without my mom finding herself in church, I have no idea where my sister and I would be today.

So there I was. My dad was gone. My mom was there taking care of me and my sister and after she had found herself in church, I knew that she would take care of herself, which meant that she would be capable of taking care of us as well.

I figured life would slow down for me, that people would be sympathetic to my struggles. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was in seventh grade when my dad died. I was enrolled in some advanced classes already but I started struggling. I thought teachers would take it easy on me. But I never really communicated with them what was going on, so they never cut me any slack. They can't help someone who doesn't ask for help.

I became a little disinterested in things. I remember requesting to speak to a school counselor, just to see what she would say about my dad dying. Honestly, i really only did it have an excuse to get out of class. But when I did get to speak to my school counselor, I ended up telling her I was having a hard time focusing in school after my dad's passing. I guarantee you she had no idea that her workday was going to end with her having to console a grieving 11 year old. That poor woman. It's gotta be tough, being a middle school counselor.

My teachers weren't cutting me any slack, but the other kids were much worse. We were all trying to deal with the struggle that is middle school life, so it seemed that no one had time to check up on little me; they had no choice but to worry about self-preservation, something that admittedly is pretty draining during middle school.

Movies and television paint this picture that high school is this terrible place and time in everyone's life, full of bullying, judging, and public embarrassment. But in my experience, high school wasn't that difficult at all as far as social interactions go. Middle school was much worse. I saw bullying, fights and peer pressure all the time. Everyone was struggling to figure out where they were on the social scale.

For 11 year old me, this meant that my closest friends were unforgiving in their pursuit to make sure that they ended up as high as possible on the social totem pole. They saw a deflated boy with self confidence issues and pounced on that weakness. Despite the fact that I was struggling with morning my father's death, my friends went on with the teenage ritual which is poking at each other's insecurities, finding each other's weaknesses and tearing each other a new asshole. I would give examples but I think I might have blocked those memories since they were so painful, lol. What I do remember is thinking, "these are the people I call my friends. Why aren't they treating me the way friends should year each other?"

I was also bullied by the cool kids on the bus. They would flick my ears and I wouldn't react with anything more than an angry glance. They would point their laser pointer in my eye until I reacted, at which point they do their macho dance, screaming "what are you gonna do, pussy? Nothing, that's right!" After a certain point, I stopped taking the school bus and opted instead to have my mom drop me off and pick me up from school. I told her I was doing extra curricular work with teachers. I think she still has no idea why I really needed her to take me to and pick me up from school. This is about the same time that I realized that I wasn't capable of being the "man of the house", whatever that meant. Like I said before, I needed to try my best to not be a burden to my mom. Having her take me to and pick me up from school definitely wasn't what I wanted, but again, it was part of me having to do the whole self-preservation thing. I couldn't grow as a person while having to deal with all of that bullying and pressure.

I think the first time I cried over the death of my father was in October 2012, the ten year anniversary of his death. I was off at college, living it up. My friends were throwing a surprise birthday party for one of our friends. That entire day was a struggle for me, as I reflected on many things. Was I making my dad proud? Was I happy with where I was at in life? I knew I was okay because I was set to graduate college in four years, something that I knew my dad would be proud of. He had always stressed that he wanted me and my sister to graduate from college. I came to the realization that I probably had made it through his death okay. I didn't have any lingering after effects, no daddy issues I needed to get over. The tears that I was crying that October afternoon were simply because I missed him. And that that was perfectly fine.

I ended up missing the birthday surprise but I did make it in time to party with the birthday boy. We ended up doing the ever popular "Edward 40hands" drinking game and got entirely too drunk. I drove home that night and was too drunk to drive. I pulled over and opted to get some drunk food at Carl's Jr. I remember listening to Childish Gambino's "All The Shine" and just breaking down completely. I sat there in line at the drive thru, crying years' worth of tears. Up to that point I knew that I missed him but that moment really shed light on how intense my feelings were as far as missing him. I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about how much I wanted him to be there to see me graduate. I wanted him to just know that I was okay, that my mom and sister were okay. I had come to grips with the fact that he was gone forever, but I wanted to give anything to have him alive for just one day, to celebrate how far we've come in life thanks to him.

Since then, I've definitely had a couple of crying sessions after thinking about my dad. Making up for years' worth of tears, I suppose. And I'm sure I'll shed more tears in the future when I think about him. It'll be so intense when I have to explain to my children that their grandfather died eleven years after I was born. It'll be tough when my sister gets married and isn't able to be walked down the aisle by Dad. Honestly the toughest thing for me is worrying that my mom will retire soon and won't have my dad there to retire into the sunset and grow old with her. Luckily she has a tremendous support system in the church and our relatives. And she's the strongest individual in the world, so I'm sure she'll be okay. Maybe the best way for me to pay back all of the hard work my dad did is to make sure my mom doesn't have to worry about a damn thing for the rest of her life.

See the thang about you that caught my eye

You really won't get any of my personality off of a first impression. Unless we're in a setting where we're talking or something, you probably will think I'm just a quiet dude. Then you'll go off and assume I'm a boring dude.

To be fair, i probably am a really boring dude, lol. But that seems unfair, to meet me once and think you have me all figured out

The Worst

Jhene Aiko's "The Worst" is one of the strongest songs I've heard in a long time. Definitely one of the best "the pain of a woman" songs I've heard in ages. I keep listening to the live version, bobbing my head every time her band inserts the Kanye "Workout Plan" sample/section/whatever. My God

My Kanye Stream of Consciousness

Travelers are generally one of the most optimistic, supportive, and happy groups of people that I've come across. They're always so positive and supportive when it comes to encouraging others to get out and see the world.

However, there's a subset of this group that I absolutely despise. They talk about how they do encourage others to travel, but when someone speaks about how they want to travel to ____, they speak on how they "would go there, but EVERYONE wants to go there." They talk about how they'd rather go to places that people wouldn't think to normally go.

For example, I told a co-worker how some buddies and I are going to Brazil for the world cup. She immediately started talking about how "omg everyone's trying to go there," in a tone that made it seem less cool to go to Brazil because it'll be a popular tourist destination this summer. Somehow the positive, encouraging demeanor she gave off a week ago had disappeared, replaced by a pessimist who seemed hell bent on speaking on why she wouldn't want to go Brazil at that time.

She even had the nerve to ask, "do you even like soccer?" If only she knew, lol. Even if I didn't like soccer, that doesn't mean she should discourage my travels. Her words betrayed the attitude she gave off when she spoke of traveling. She had been quick to speak on how everyone can benefit from traveling, but that attitude was no where to be seen at this point, as she was now so quick to describe how uncool it is to want to go to Brazil for the world cup.

I generally love people who enjoy traveling. But I've found a subset of the group who are more intent on getting good profile pictures, Instagram photos, and stories to tell others, instead of focusing on what I find to be the more rewarding benefits of traveling.

The ability to soak in another culture, allowing you to compare and contrast that culture with yours. This forces you to think about how different your life would be if you had to grow up in this foreign culture. It forces you to think about how the culture you did grow up in shaped you. Seeing foreign architecture is a personal favorite of mine. In America, our oldest buildings are 500, 600 years old at the most. Being in a foreign country where you can set foot in a 1500 year-old church is such a wild experience for me. Being semi-lost in an absolutely foreign culture gives me an almost perverted feeling of excitement. (Editor's note: I realize this paragraph is poorly structured. I'm probably going to have to revisit this topic at a later time.)

If you want to travel so that you can share with your friends and family how will traveled and cultures you are, that's perfectly fine. But I think you're missing out on the more rewarding benefits of traveling.

Part of me feels like I'm exactly what I described earlier, in that I'm discouraging travel for the sake of getting pictures and stories to tell your friends and family. I should be absolutely for traveling, regardless of the circumstances.

And I am! I don't think you'll ever hear words come out of my mouth that discourage anyone from traveling. I encourage everyone to get out and see the world. But I do highly suggest that you do it for yourself, not for the sake of getting cool pictures for Instagram likes or to be able to tell cool campfire stories. Do it truly and absolutely for yourself, to learn more about yourself and how you interact with the world.

This post is an awesome example of sitting yourself down and thinking out loud and jotting it down as you go. Little to no editing, just make sure you get your thoughts out. My creative writing professor would be so proud of me right now, lol

We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

Grown-ass baby moment: I'm about to buy a bourgie grill with no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to figure it out as I go. I'm like a kid trying to assemble a toy set, only instead of toys, I have a grill.

We Made It!

Beach House- Teen Dream
Beach House-Bloom
The xx-xx
Mayer Hawthorne-Every fucking project he's ever put out(Dickrider alert!)
Drake-almost on Mayer's level, damn near everything he puts out is fire.
The Weeknd-House of Balloons

This is the Ryan Manalili certified list of PERFECT albums.
If they with me just know that they with it and bout it!

I can't let this happen, can't let this happen

Man, "locking himself in his room and bumping music" Ryan hasn't come out in a long while. Damn shame too, that's when he wrote his best work.

Nowadays, he's resorting to talking about himself in the third person, ha!

Championship Belt

One of the best moments of my life just happened. My mom is on the couch, with her dog and my dog cuddled up next to her. She told me to "look at how happy the dogs are." Then she said "see, this is so calm and peaceful...", before falling asleep again. I'm so glad my mom and our dogs are happy.

Gotta appreciate these kinds of things while you still can, yaddidamean?

Trophies

I'm gonna learn to play the trumpet so that me and a friend can play the trumpet and drums part to songs like drake's "trophies" or kanye's "all of the knights"

It's The Beginning Of Forever

Recently, a Kanye interview from like 2003 or something was making its rounds around the internet. It was awesome. Everything about it was so awesome; what he was wearing, his honesty, just the way he was answering the questions. There were some quotes from there that ended up on the end of "Last Call."

And the reception was awesome. People were saying how he was just brutally honest, funny, outgoing. Much more willing to answer questions back then compared to how he is now.

What stuck out to me, however, was the amount of people saying "man, the guy hasn't changed one bit since then. Same guy since day one."

While that might sound awesome, that it looks like he's stuck to his guns, morals, and ideals, I'm not so sure that that's what Kanye was aiming for. I know it isn't what I would want to hear if I were him.

What I would want people to say is, "Wow, it's so interesting to see that there are some similarities between what he was like back then and what he's like now. The honesty, the smart answers, the comedy, it's all there. But you can still see that he's changed, that he's grown. He's not exactly like he was back then. He might have some similarities, but he's obviously learned from his experiences and used those experiences to change and grow."

That's what I want people to say about me when they see anything from my past, whether it be pictures, video, or even my blog posts. I want people to see some things and shake their heads. I want them to see other things and say, "Wow, you had that quality from an early age and you've worked so hard at what you do."

I really hope no one can look at me and say that I haven't changed one bit. I want them to say, "Wow, you really changed, but in a good way."

Ivana

I want my kids to go to college away from home. I want to have kids when my wife and I want them, and not a minute sooner. I want my dog to play catch with me in the waves. I want to retire early with enough money to travel. I want to travel now, while I'm young and without too many obligations. I want to make my mom proud. I want my mom to take care of her grandkids. God, would she be an amazing grandmother. I want to dance with my mom at my wedding. That would probably be one of the most intense moments of my entire life.

These are a bunch of my life goals. Nothing too crazy, nothing too outlandish. I'm aiming high with a few, setting the bar low with others. But these are the things I wish to accomplish in my life. I have no doubt in my mind that, with a little bit of luck, I can do all these things. And if I am lucky enough to achieve all of these things, I would have lived a full and complete life, in my eyes.

Everything else is just a minor detail.

Look yall

Drake, Phoenix, daft punk, Justin Timberlake, asap Rocky, Mayer Hawthorne, all dropped GREAT albums this year. Hell, Tyler the creator even dropped a secretly great album this year! Chance the rapper dropped a classic mixtape...Fuck, there's probably dozens of other albums/mixtape that I haven't gotten a chance to listen to that are probably dope as hell. I haven't listened to anything the weeknd has put out since the trilogy. Maybe his album was good. I dunno, either way, 2013 is such a good year for music. We just need a new Frank ocean and Adele album and we'd be set! We's hongry out here on these streets!

We Keep These Promises, These Promises

A good album will have you sitting there, pondering all kinds of shit. Thinking about choices you've made in your life, both recent and in the far past. It'll have you thinking about where you wanna go, what you wanna do in the future. Got you asking yourself, "Will I be happy? Damn, am I even happy right now? Maybe not, I guess I gotta fix things."

Sometimes I'll listen to a favorite album of mine and just zone the fuck out, thinking and feeling all kinds of different shit. I can physically feel my brain working and being stimulated. I think it's more or less the same feeling I would get when I used to try and meditate.

Looking at it this way, I think you could say that a good album really is like a drug. It alters your thought process and has you thinking and processing things in a way that's different from when you're sober.

I wish I could watch video tape footage of me when I get into this zone. Do I look like I'm high? Do I look like I'm tripping off acid? Or better yet, do I look normal as hell? That'd be awesome because that'd mean that you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at me that my mind is going 100mph in every direction.

I dunno. All I know is that I feel so alive when I get into this zone

Eyes On You

I forgot the password to my college email. That's crazy. It's been that long, eh?

I was gonna email a soc professor I had, telling him that I'm working as a welfare worker in Lemon Grove, California. It's the same area that was featured in "The Lemon Grove Incident", a movie/documentary he had shown us in class about one of the earliest court cases in America regarding school segregation. He had shown us a film about racism right in my backyard. It gave me chills back then to learn about the history behind an area literally a handful of miles away from my home; now I wanted to get back to that professor to let him know that I'm working IN that area, helping people in need.

But alas, looks like I'll never get that satisfaction. Me forgetting my email login credentials is gonna prevent me from telling that professor what I'm up to nowadays. Come to think of it, I don't even remember the professor's name. And I wouldn't even want to go through the trouble of looking him up, though I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard of a search. Yeah, I think I'm good off all that haha

And it was you

It's really interesting what people stress in their identity. There's certain aspects of a person's identity that they're quick to share with others. You can tell this by what people talk about and how they talk about it.

That's why I think it's really interesting what people choose to talk about. They can talk about billions of different topics, but they choose to talk about that exact topic. The fact that they talk about it means that they place value in that topic

I love tall evergreen trees. I would love to be in Connecticut for the fall/winter.

But I bet a lot of people would trip out if they got to see Palm trees in summer like I do here.

I guess the grass...I mean, the trees are greener on the other side! You get it? The trees!? Nvm, I'll show myself out

I Think There's Something

You ever just sit there and write and write without proofreading? You wanna go back and delete stuff and format things differently to make everything flow better? Well I've kind of just said, "Fuck that," I might end up fucking everything up. Besides, I wrote it, so it has worth. No need to delete things!" I dunno, maybe it's just laziness. I wanna say it's a way of forcing myself to live with what I write. Yeah.

Just Hold On

Alrite lemme give you an example of "attitude vs. behavior." It's a concept I think about frequently. I tried very hard to make sure that my attitude and approach towards things is pure. More than that, I try to make sure that my behavior reflects my attitude and approach. What sense is it to have pure intentions if you don't act on them?

So I used to be a fuckboy dickrider of The Weeknd. I would listen to "Trilogy" religiously. My roommates hated me for how loud I would bump his music on the daily.

And I still listen to Trilogy often. But a lot of what he's put out since then hasn't really resonated with me, and he sort of fell off as far as my musical preferences go.

I wondered why I let that happen. I'm a big believer in sticking with your favorite artists regardless of what direction they're going in. I liked Kanye's 808s and Heartbreak because it was different from what his fans expected. A lot of people stopped liking him and moved on. You could see that they were fans of the music, not of the artist. And that's fine. I stuck with it because I knew that there was a place for that kind of music. He could make the kind of music he did pre-808s because he had that side of him, the 808s side. You've got to accept a person for everything they are. Some people didn't, they only liked the music. And that's fine.

Cut back to the Weeknd. His music sort of fell off to me. And that's fine too. Another thing I believe in is that above all, artists need to FORCE people to check out their work. Make such a good product that people HAVE to see what's going on. And the Weeknd just hasn't done that for me lately.

His album comes out sometime soon. I'm so disinterested in his work at this point that I don't even care to look up when it'll come out. But I do hope that he'll surprise me and FORCE me to check out his product. Lord knows he had me HOOKED.

You Act So Different Around Me

You ever sit there speechless, with sobering music playing? Normally the song is cool background music but this time it's different. Each chord strikes you a little more than it usually does. It feels like you're absorbing the music. You've got a lot on your mind, hence the speechlessness. so you're stuck between the music and whatever's on your mind. I dunno. I really don't y'all.

That's the mindstate I'm in 90% of the time I write in this blog. And you motherfuckers best BELIEVE I look back and cringe like CRAZY at half the shit I post on here :(

Living in the past

1810 SAT on you hoes!

She do that thang for three retweets

One thing I see a lot of is people who gloat mainly to belittle others and justify themselves. They post on social media sites about their accomplishments because they need everyone to see what they're doing. They need to tell the world/be told that they're doing well. They need the justification that dozens of likes will provide.

I think a better route to go is to avoid that altogether. Be content with knowing that you're pretty enough, smart enough, that what you're spending time on is something worth spending time on. You shouldn't need other people to justify your actions; self approval and acceptance should be more than enough for you. Being content with yourself is worth so much more than outside justification. I think if you're truly happy with yourself, you don't even need much outside justification. It acts merely as a bonus.

"But wait, I post the stuff I post to motivate others! I post my gym pics to show that if people work hard enough and are dedicated enough, they can get like me! I post about me getting a job to show that if people work hard enough, they can get a good paying job with benefits!"

That might be how it starts, but once you get that first comment that lets you know you're doing all right, that shit becomes a crack addiction. Each post you make becomes a plea for more and more comments and justification.

If you truly post solely to motivate, I challenge you to make it so you can't view how many likes you get or what the comments say. The only challenge then is to avoid becoming vain and a showoff. A braggart.

But this is getting a little preachy so lemme switch it up one time for you fools...REMIX!

Why I don't have an Instagram, I don't know. I really don't. Girls willingly post provocative pictures of themselves. Bikinis, dresses, short shorts, anything you could imagine. Why a straight, sexually functioning male like myself isn't on Instagram? Why wouldn't I wanna be a part of something that awesome? I really have no idea. Lol

And while I'm on the topic...yesterday a buddy of mine told me I need to get an Instagram because it's the best way to see what everyone's doing every day.

The thing is, I don't gives a FUCK what y'all do every day! I don't care what y'all eat, drink, I don't need to be updated on what your daily routine looks like! Fuck outta here! And to you motherfuckers who justify your vanity posts with claims of motivating others, I say to you, "I don't compete with y'all motherfuckers! The only competition I see is myself, ya hear!?"

Yakh yakh yakh! Bangbangbang skeetskeetskeet!

Yippee!

Slippy like its Freudian, kill you like kevorkian, bring you back to life and put you right back in the morgue again!

Yeah!

Let it all work out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF8okFt4bGg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

No Help

How's It Supposed To Feel?

When medical examiners do autopsies, they often see scar tissue on the corpses they're working on. The scar tissue is often from years, even decades ago. So they probably see scars, marks, bruising, stuff like that, from all throughout the person's life, right?

Keep in mind, I'm remembering this from something I read some time ago. It might not be true that this is a thing. But if it is, that's really kinda poetic, isn't it? Even though the body is dead, it still tells SO many stories. I've always thought that it'd be kind of interesting to know, postmortem, stats from my life: random things like how many people I consider strangers that I've actually seen multiple times before, how many times I farted throughout my life, things like that. But I guess there sort of is something like that, and it lies within my body.

Trippy shit, man!

Wandering Eyes

What values have your parents passed on to you?

Cocoa butter skin

I just wanna live my quiet, simple, and humble life