Sunday, August 30, 2015

Poker in the sky

One day I'm gonna write some poetry about how i feel. I don't wanna die without trying to describe how i feel through poetry.

I could even justify it by saying I'm making a rap, lolllll

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Hotline Blang!

https://youtu.be/9MbCZcl3d90

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Staring At The Beast With Teeth Blood Red

I'm in a really interesting spot in my life. I'm just gonna freeball this shit and we'll see how this goes, lol.

I both love and hate the fact that I'm single. On one hand, I love the freedom and independence that comes with being single. I don't have to answer to anyone. I don't have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration when I make decisions. I can do pretty much anything I want. I can flirt with whoever I want, say whatever I want to say, do whatever I want to do. Accidentally flirt with that new girl you just met? You ain't gotta worry dawg, you ain't gotta feel regretful. There's no one you have to answer to, no relationship you have to protect.

On the other hand, I know for a fact that I was happier back when I was in a relationship. My ex was amazing to me. She wasn't perfect and neither was I, but we were a force to reckoned with. We approached every obstacle we encountered together and no matter how hard it was, we figured out something that worked for us. She was so sweet, caring, thoughtful, and was so good at doing the little things. There are countless little things she did that made me appreciate the hell out of her.

Breaking up with her was absolutely one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. We were so incredibly happy together. I knew going into the breakup that I was going transition from a position where I was incredibly happy with her, into a position where I would be single and not nearly as happy as I was with her. I knew this going into it and that made it that much harder to break up.

Why would I willingly go from a position where I was happy, into a position where we separated and I wasn't nearly as happy? No bullshit, I did it because I love her and always will. When you truly love someone, you want the best for them always, even if that means not being together anymore. I knew that we wouldn't be together happily ever after. So instead of letting our relationship slowly deteriorate, I opted to end things between us. If you truly love someone, you want to see them happy and winning. The reasons we broke up are important but I won't go into detail about them here. I knew that she would find a better man for her and I hoped that I would find the right woman for me. I haven't gotten to talk to her much about her new man but I hope that he's treating her as well as she deserves to be treated.

I do know that I'm still not really ready for another relationship. I'm too selfish. I'm not too welcoming to the idea of having to take another person's interests into consideration. I don't think I'm too willing to compromise and make sacrifices, as is absolutely crucial and necessary in relationships.

I do hope that I turn that corner soon. Cuffing season is right around the corner, lol! Just kidding. But I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in November. If I put things in perspective, I'm still really young. If I look at the big picture, I have plenty of time to do what I want. One thing is I've always planned on is getting married at 28 or 29. That'd give my wife and I a couple of years to fuck around, travel, do all the things we want to do before we're tied down by family life(I'm thinking kids by 32 or 33). This isn't a drop dead deadline, more so a general timeframe of how I'd like my life to go. Gauging from my prior relationships, i think it'd take a minimum of 3 years in a relationship before I decide whether or not I want to marry someone. That means that if I want to adhere to this loose timeframe of mine, I should find a girl over the next year or two and hope it works out.

The funny thing is, I can't even begin to imagine myself dating right now! For some odd reason, I don't even enjoy talking to girls right now. I've always enjoyed talking to girls more than guys, but ever since the breakup, I now dread the thought and actively avoid extended conversations with women! It's no fault of theirs; I'm just a weirdo right now and prefer the direct and predictable conversations I have with guys. There's something to be said about the predictability and rules of guy convos. I just know that some poor girls have actively tried to engage me in conversation (both flirty and non-flirty), and I actively avoid and try to end those conversations as quickly as possible.

Thankfully, I think I'm slowly breaking out of my post-breakup shell. I'm hanging out with my best female friend more and more, and its helping me ease back into being able to conversations with girls(its not that bad Ryan, I promise! Lol). It's showing me that I'm capable of hanging out with a girl and not being too weird or quiet. Hanging out with her is giving me hope that the Single Ryan of yesteryear can finally make his way back out into society! Single Ryan was charming, charismatic, funny, and generally a fun guy to be around. I feel like I've toned down all of those aspects of my character, but here's to hoping that I break out of this post-breakup slump. Here's to hoping that Single Ryan makes his way back into society and post-breakup Ryan can stop being such a weirdo!

Been a good day to run away

https://youtu.be/A8wcpfLP88M bro, what I would give to have the Majid Jordan only version of this song.

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