I Try Hard to Keep You Close

 I love Christmas markets. I love when neighborhoods are decked out in Christmas decorations. Christmas Card lane, Candy Cane lane, gimme allladat.

Coachella

     I had such a wonderful Coachella. Lots of highs, a couple of lows. Thankfully the highs VASTLY outweigh the lows.

    Thursday - Get Rommel and pack stuff from his and Romulo's house. Go to Ralph's, get starbucks, and we're on our way. We get to Coachella an hour before Romulo and company do, so Rommel and I get Thai food at a pretty good Thai restaurant. We meet up with Romulo and co. at a Ralph's before we caravan into the campsite. They search our car and our persons and we get our 4 parking spots that form a square, just as we planned. We set up tents and canopies and chill. 

    We planned on drinking and hanging out with our neighbors for the night. I wanted to go to the Silent Disco but I didn’t get to go because I drank way too much. Our neighbors had me slap the bag (boxed wine) and I got way too faded off of that lol. I ended up passing out and waking up at midnight, throwing up right outside our campsite. I went to the bathroom, came back, and threw up again. Not a great feeling, lol. 

    Friday - I woke up, showered, and prepared for the busiest day of the festival for me. So many acts to see, so little time. The first act that I wanted to see was Domi and JD Beck, which didn't start until 2:40PM. I took shrooms in chocolate form and made my way to the festival. Halfway to the festival, Romulo called and asked if I was still at the campsite. One of our friends left his phone there and wanted to make sure we kept it secure somewhere. I walked back, found the phone, and left it in a secure pouch. 

    I got to the festival, walked in, and was overwhelmed by how many fucking people were there. I'd gone to Coachella once in 2015 but I went weekend 2 which is less busy and Coachella has only grown in popularity throughout the years. I walked through security and BOOM, there's the infamous Ferris wheel right in front of me. There's the huge Sahara tent. There's the huge weird colorful twisted walkway tower thing. I'm starting to really trip at this point. I have to reassure myself that I'm okay, I'm just feeling the shrooms at this point. I'm fine, I just need to enjoy the high and handle myself well.

    I need to find my way to the back of the festival grounds. Domi and JD Beck are at the Mojave tent wayyyy in the back. I'm keeping my composure, making my way while people watching. I'm tripping hard so seeing all these people dressed up, high, drunk, having fun, was amazing. I get to the tent and they're jamming out. As I make my way through the crowd, they bring out Mac Demarco, who I had seen at Coachella back in 2015. It was dope seeing him again! I'm jamming out, feeling the music and how different it feels like on shrooms. Then they bring out Thundercat! That dude is always running around doing music lol. 

    After their set, I make my way to the next tent over, the Gobi tent. It was this cool intimate tent with chandeliers hanging. There I would see Gabriels, this random gospel/jazzy/doo-wop band that I found while in Denver. I went to Denver 2 months ago for vacation. My phone wouldn't connect to my rental car, so I listened to this indie radio station that turned out to be DOPE. It felt like every song they played was something I enjoyed. I added a Gabriels song to my playlist and haven't stopped listening to it since.

    I'm tripping HARD at this point. Out comes the lead singer for Gabriels, this comically big black dude with a comically big voice. He's wearing this crazy colorful robe/coat. There's the keyboardist and violinist. They hit the stage and this motherfucking black dude is singing his fucking ASS off. The only thing I could compare it to is Gallant. He's doing things to this mic that supercede singing. He's hitting high notes that shouldn't be possible. I wanted to grab someone by the collar and ask them if I was the only one seeing what was going on on this stage!? I only know the one song from this band that I heard while I was in Denver. But even then, I was feeling each song soooo much. There was a point where they stood still, built up tension, and he sang this very dramatic song. It felt like he brought the whole festival to a standstill. He had our emotions on a whim, bro! 

    Then they played Angels and Queens (the song I knew) and I bugged the fuck out. That's one of those "I'm so glad I was able to experience this" kind of things. The set was amazing from start to finish. At the end of the set the drummer threw a drumstick in to the crowd and I watched, high as fuck, as the drumstick slowly and quickly made its way to my face. Thankfully the guy in front of me grabbed it before it landed directly on my glasses, lol.

Next up on the agenda is Pusha T at the Main Stage. But I gotta make my way over there and it's quite a walk. I'm tripping balls and looking around at everything and it feels like stimulation overload. These art installations are crazy. The colors are so vivid! The sun is hot on me but I'm feeling good. This wind feels good on my skin. I'm wearing my brand new prescription sunglasses that I think look GREAT on me. I'm wearing my AC Milan jersey that I love so much. I feel GOOD. They say that shrooms amplify the mindset that you're in when you take them and god DAMN do I feel good. I remember thinking that this feeling alone was worth the price of admission. Anything good that happens to me after this is just extra credit.

I go to the Pusha T set and it's amazing as well. The sun is beaming down and the wind makes everything feel better. I'm surrounded by die hard fans who are belting out every line, every bar. I keep thinking something that I would continue to think throughout the weekend: my life is amazing and my life is dope. I can't believe that I get to live this life. The video Coachella uploaded to YouTube makes it seem like the crowd was dead, but it was far from that. Great set from King Push. I'm glad I got some aggressive rap this Coachella.

After his set I go to get food. I had only ate 3 bananas that day so I got some quesadillas and elote. Turns out it was a TON of food. I met up with Michael, Edmond, and Yvette. We went to see Tobe Nwigwe, this hype energy rapper who they're very into. I wasn't so familiar with him and I just wanted to eat, so I kicked it with them until the set started. Once it started I went off to the side and enjoyed my food. He was sick though. I dipped out early so I could get a good spot for Blink 182, which was one of the biggest names of the festival. 

I got to the big Sahara stage that they were performing at and thankfully got a decent spot in the center of the stage. They were dope. Seeing them perform some songs from my childhood was amazing. We were all singing at the top of our lungs, nostalgic af. I also had random girls in front of me who were too drunk and couldn't handle themselves. One of them was stumbling around and bumping into everyone around her. I told her friend that she needs to keep an eye on her because she's going to start pissing people off. Freaking rookies! Anyways, the Blink 182 set was freaking epic.

After that I went back to the tent to chill and decompress before heading back into the festival to see Gorillaz. The shrooms were wearing off so I took some ecstasy and headed back in. I wasn't familiar with a lot of the Gorillaz songs but when they played the songs that I did know, I rocked the fuck out. Feel Good Inc. is incredible in a festival setting. Ecstasy wasn't the same psychedelic experience that I got from shrooms, but I did feel euphoria. 

After the Gorillaz set, choices had to be made. There was Metroboomin and FKJ, performing at the same time at other stages. Bad Bunny would also be performing there at the main stage that I was already at, in an hour and a half. I remember seeing what happened to the latinas at my work the day after Bad Bunny performed in San Diego. All of their voices were gone and they couldn't stand for long because they had been dancing all night. This dude is the #1 artist in the world right now-I can't miss this. I elected to stay at the main stage and get a good spot for Benito.

While waiting for Bad Bunny, I see this girl standing alone, hanging out and biding her time just like me. I didn't get a good look at her but I could tell she was pretty. I introduced myself, shook her hand, and said "Hey I'm Ryan, it's nice to meet you. We've got an hour and a half to kill. How's your Coachella going so far?" We start talking and hit it off. I had only just met this girl but it felt like we already had a rapport. It felt like we had known each other for a while and things were just flowing. No awkward silences, no weird topics, just good conversation. 

Here's what I learned about her:

• Her name is Fabiola. 10/10 name. She's from Denver and is solochella'ing it. This strikes a chord with me because I LOVE solo travelling. It's my jam. We nerd out and talk about our solo travelling exploits. Favorite cities, favorite foods, etc. Her friends weren't able to come to Coachella so she made it happen by herself. I LOVE that energy. I told her that I love that energy and I'm so glad that she's here. 
• She's only staying for day 1. She's going to Joshua Tree the next day and has a flight back to Denver on Sunday at noon. I told her she's crazy for paying for Coachella tickets and only staying for ONE NIGHT!? She's got to see Frank Ocean. She's got to see Kali Uchis. Wth is going on around here!?
• The more I talk to her, the more I'm looking her in her eyes. We're laughing, cracking jokes, smiling. Idk if it's her eye makeup or what, but she has BEAUTIFUL eyes. She has this cute blue jacket on. So I realize that not only was I right about her being pretty, she was fucking BEAUTIFUL. She's a 10 for sure. Now I'm trippin out like damn, I'm really glad I struck up this conversation, lol. 
• She has two older sisters, 2 nieces, 1 nephew. She's the cool auntie :)
• She's an HR director for a small medical company. She's working on her MBA. 
• We talked about who we saw earlier and I told her about my Gabriels experience. I only know of them because of my trip to Denver, and here I am talking to her, someone who lives there! 
• I told her how good shrooms had me feeling earlier. She said she's tried shrooms before and had good times. I told her that she's crazy for only staying for one day. She should come back from Joshua Tree and come back to the festival for at least Saturday night, if not Sunday as well! We can do shrooms and go into the festival together. If she's down, she should give me her phone number so we could figure out the details.
• She told me she'd consider it and gave me her phone number. SCORE.
• I told her that it's about to get crazy up in here and we'll probably get separated but to text me the next day and let me know if she's down. I lost her in the crowd pretty quickly and didn't see her again for the rest of the night. I was really hoping to walk her back to her car, but she told me later that she dipped out a little early.

I enjoyed Bad Bunny's set. That dude is a motherfucking superstar. I went back to my campsite and texted her, asking that she let me know that she got home okay.

Well this motherfucker didn't text me back! So I went to sleep, assuming she'd just fallen asleep and didn't see my text. I have her saved in my contacts as Fabiola Denver since I don't even have her last name, lol. I was hoping to wake up to a text from Fabiola Denver saying that she's home okay. But nope, no text! 

Now I'm thinking she gave me the wrong number! I'm SO disappointed. We had such a good conversation and I felt like we were cool. I don't think I said anything weird or creepy or anything that would lead her to give me the wrong number. Maybe she did give me the right number but I typed it wrong into my phone? Idk. Either way, I'm learning to enjoy people for however long they are in your life. We were strangers who shared a great convo while waiting for Bad Bunny to hit the stage. There's nothing wrong with that.

I shower and get ready for the day. At 8:00AM, I get a text from Fabiola! She thanked me for checking and making sure she was okay, and said she zonked out when she got back. She said she'd be going to Joshua Tree but would we could do the shrooms and see Labrinth perform later that night. We could maybe even go to the silent disco together later in the night. SCORE. Not only did she not give me the wrong number, we have plans to hang out THAT NIGHT!? I can't begin to describe how great I feel at this point, so I won't even try.

Now the stage is set for a DOPE night. I have plenty of time to kill. There are acts performing that I want to see but not strongly. I end up going to the merch store. It took TWO HOURS to get to the front and I was in a "fast lane." I got to the front and showed the guy the two crew necks and one t-shirt that I wanted. They were sold out of one of the crew necks and out of my size for the other crew neck. I had to settle for the t-shirt, which I didn't even end up liking all that much. 

I was so frustrated with that experience that I went back to the tent to decompress and build my energy back up. I chilled for a bit before seeing Rosalia on the main stage. She killed it. She's so emotive. Her facial expressions are so strong. She's definitely a star. 

While watching Rosalia, Fabiola texted me saying she's here at the festival now. She's waiting in line to get a drink but is ready to meet up. I texted her that Rosalia's set is almost over so we should meet under the purple balloon art installation. 

Well, cell phone reception isn't great at festivals. I didn't see until after Rosalia's set that my text about meeting at the purple balloons didn't go through. Fabiola and I played phone tag and couldn't even hear each other over the crowd. It took us a while but we ended up meeting at the beer garden. She said she was at the right side of the bar. I got there but she was no where to be found. She told me that she made a mistake and was actually at the left side of the bar. I head over there and see her hanging out, waiting for me. She was nice enough to buy me a beer and water.

And I'm looking at her and she's looking GOOD. She did her hair all nice. Her makeup is on point. Her outfit is on point. Her nails are on point. Holy shit, this is happening! I'm HYPED. We chat and joke about how hard it was to coordinate meeting up. She tells me about Joshua Tree, shows me pictures she took, and I tell her about my merch store disaster. 

Randomly this Persian dude walks up and says hi to her. I shake his hand and introduce myself. He talked to us for a while and I was cool with him, but we had plans and he was killing the plan dammit. So I told Fabiola that we should get going. We left and walked to my campsite. She told me that she's only staying here for day 2 because I convinced her. I told her that I'm glad she stayed-tonight is about to be crazy! We got right back into having GREAT conversation. I think the entire time we spent together we had 10/10 conversations. We talked about our jobs, our families, our experiences so far at Coachella, music, movies, tv shows. I was having such a great time. 

We get to the campsite and use the bathroom (portapotties) near our spot. On our way back to our campsite, we noticed Blackpink's drones flying around above the main stage. They were doing wild shit. I saw them form a butterfly and float around. Seeing that off in the distance, with a beautiful girl that I'm about to do shrooms with and go into the festival with!? 10/10 experience. 

We talk more about our families and our Mexican and Filipino upbringings. I show her the chocolate candy shrooms and how I figured out the dosage. The box says 1-3 pieces for a microdose, 5-10 for a psychedelic experience, and 15 for a religious experience (lol). We had 15 pieces total so I took 8, she took 7. We discussed our plan for the night. We'd see Labrinth for the full shrooms experience. She had told me the previous night while we were waiting for Bad Bunny that I should see SuicideBoyz. I told her that I was down to go see them, but she said that their music wasn't really made for those on shrooms. We should go to Calvin Harris instead. I didn't care WHO we saw, I was down to do whatever with her lol. 

We get into the festival, plan out how to get to the Mojave stage. She needs to go to the bathroom so we stop by beforehand. At this point we're already tripping and are careful with everything. She gives up on the bathroom as we don't have much time left and the line was taking forever. We make our way to the stage and we're towards the back of the tent. As the set goes on and on, we continue making our way towards the center middle of the stage. During this process, me and Fabiola are talking and getting to know each other more. Again, 10/10 conversation. 

As we're talking, I'm looking at her and this woman is BEAUTIFUL. I'm here, high as balls, with the prettiest girl in the room. I'm having SUCH a good time. We're both tripping the fuck out, dancing together. My hands are on her waist, hips, this music is dope. I cannot explain how dope this feeling was. This feeling alone made my whole weekend worth it. He brought out Billie Eilish and everyone rushed the stage and we got even closer to the front. I find myself going back and listening to Labrinth more and more just to relive this experience.

After the set we left and prepared for Calvin Harris. We found some good portapotties that didn't have a line. I sat around and waited for Fabiola. She finally came out and told me that she was going to be a party pooper. She had an emergency in the bathroom and wouldn't be making it to Calvin Harris. I said okay and we walked together back to her car. She parked as FAR away as possible. She thanked me for walking her back to her car because it was difficult to find. I thanked her for coming back to enjoy the festival with me and how much fun I had with her tonight. She left and I walked my tired ass back to camp. I was still high as FUCK. I was concerned about her getting home so I texted her, thanking her again and asking her to let me know when she's home safe. 

She didn't text me back AGAIN. I went to sleep worrying about her. I woke up worrying about her. I had an incredible night with her but it all means nothing if she doesn't get home safe. I was still high when I went to sleep so I can only imagine her driving home. Fortunately she eventually texted back and said she was okay. 

Now I started thinking about how crazy this experience has been. I loved spending time with this woman. She has a flight in a couple of hours but I really want her to stay. I can get her a hotel room and change her flight if she's down. I did some research and found that it was actually very feasible for me to make this happen. All I needed was a yes from her and I’m booking this hotel and flight! But wait, that's a LOT to ask. You just met this chick the other day. You gotta slow your roll bro! 

But you also gotta look at it like this: Would you regret not asking her? Are you scared of rejection? Which would be worse: her saying she's not down or you living with the wonder of if she would say yes or no?

I live by the philosophy that shooters shoot dammit! That's what they do.

I shoot my shot and ask if she'd be down for that. If the thing that's holding her back is a hotel room and flight change, I can fix that! Frank fucking Ocean is performing tonight and the idea of spending the set with this beautiful latina woman who I met AT COACHELLA, when Frank Ocean has a song about a girl he met AT COACHELLA!? There's nothing better! If there's any way I can make this happen, I'm doing it.

She said that she couldn't do it, that her parents would kill her if she stayed another day. She also mentioned a couple of times throughout the weekend that she wants to get an early start on her week. She's a woman of routine and wanted to get a lot of things done on Monday. 

I was so disappointed. I was going to see Frank Ocean put on an EPIC performance. This will be his first live performance in YEARS. I have a chance to see him perform, and I could be here with this woman who I have IMMACULATE chemistry and vibes with, that I MET AT COACHELLA. And I wouldn't be spending the Frank Ocean set with her. It's not going to be the same without her. But it's okay, I'm not going to let this define my Coachella Sunday. Like I said, I'm learning to enjoy people for however long you have them in your life. Even if I never see her again, I'm very happy and content with the time that I spent with her. I texted her back and thanked her again for a great weekend.

So it's time to figure out how I'm going to make my Sunday as dope as possible. We were partying and drinking, playing beer pong. I was in a sad mood but I'm not going to let this bring down my Sunday entirely! 

We drank and drank and drank. I had one ecstasy pill and planned on taking it for Frank Ocean's set. What a great way to end my Coachella! Well, one of our campmates offered me some shroom tea that I think he was just trying to get rid of. I took it and got ready to trip out. It didn't taste great but it didn't taste bad either. Everyone started leaving to head into the festival but I didn't need to go in until Kali Uchis performed at 6:00PM so I hung out for a while and listened to some music. The music sounded great while vibing on shrooms. 

However, shrooms amplify the mindstate that you're in when you take them. While shrooms helped me feel even more happy and confident on Friday, this shroom tea made me feel even more sad this Sunday. I recognized that this is just how shrooms work but that I would be okay when Kali Uchis started performing.

I got to the main stage and some dude was performing. He asked the crowd something like "are you guys ready to hear Porter Robinson!?" so I assumed he was performing before Porter Robinson, then Kali Uchis would perform. Turns out this guy WAS Porter Robinson, lol.

The Porter Robinson fans were so happy. They were smiling, dancing, vibing together. Meanwhile I'm over here, fighting a sad shrooms trip, lol. I tried my best to not bring down the ambience so I danced along a little bit. Dancing while you're sad is a funny image.

After his set many fans left which cleared the way for us Kuchis to get good spots for Kali's set. I found a good shaded spot but couldn't sit down. I stood for a long time before her set. The weekend had been long and my stamina was decreasing by the minute.

Kali Uchis put on one of my favorite sets! She was so good. Every song, dance, visual, was so good. "I Wish You Roses" was amazing to hear and see live. I couldn't have asked for anything more from Kali.

Then we waited for Bjork. She was fine, I just felt like every song sounded the same. We were being polite and cordial, waiting for Frank to perform. I stood the entire set, and I'm EXHAUSTED at this point.

After her set we all were waiting for Frank to perform. There was no room to sit and we had an hour and a half to kill before Frank was scheduled to start. We were all exhausted. 

We watched as time passed and the stagehands built the stage for Frank's set. We could tell he would be late, and sure enough 10:05PM passed and he didn't start. 10:35PM and still no sign of Frank. He didn't actually start singing until 11:05PM, a full hour after he was slated to start his set.

This delay was soooo annoying for us fans. It's not a great way to treat your fans. But if he puts on an epic show, all will be forgiven.  

Well he didn't put on a great show. At all. He only sang a handful of songs, in full. He had his little cousin (or something) lip sync a Bob Dylan cover. He had a full 15 minute DJ set, including visuals of a security guard twerking for entirely too long. I didn't come to see this, Frank! We want to see and hear you sing!

He had more random stuff happen that I don't even care to share. I was so disappointed in his set. Thank God Fabiola didn't stay because it was a waste of her time. Eventually Frank announced that he's past curfew and that was the end of the show. We all walked back to our cars and campsites, dejected and annoyed with what we just saw. 

That is really the end of my Coachella experience. We cleaned up our campsite, left stuff we didn't need anymore. The drive home wasn't too bad. 

Now I'm left to wonder how to handle this Fabiola situation. I really want to see her again. It remains to be seen if I can get her to meet back up. We'll SEE! :)

Some notes:

Seeing how you handle pressure and a tough situation, I respect it! Your HR department is in good hands with you as director. You don't fold, you don't freak out. I'm so proud of how we handled the entire situation. I can't think of any way we could have handled the situation better. 

It's easy to have fun with someone. It's another thing entirely to handle a tough situation well together. 

Music sounds better to me now. I dance more when I listen to music. 

You know what would be fun? I've been to Denver recently. You've been to SD before. We had fun exploring Coachella together, what if we explore a new city together? 

Bro you gotta chill. You just met this chick a day ago. But you can't really help what you're feeling. All you can do is feel those emotions and interpret them appropriately. So I recognize that I feel like I'm missing her, that I worry about her, and I can't help that. What I can help is what I do with that information. I think that as long as my heart is in the right place, things are fine!

I really like who I am when I'm around you.

Maybe I need to look at it as what it is - a fun weekend where I made a connection with a friend, and that's it. That doesn't have to be a bad thing!