Sober

It's crazy because I asked for this. I told multiple friends that I couldn't wait until I had a girlfriend, not so much for the good times, but for the bad times, the hard times. "I've never cried over a girl before! I've never yelled at a girl before! I've never felt so emotionally invested in a relationship that could even possibly elicit those emotions and responses from me!"

Now that I've felt these emotions, I can absolutely say that it was all worth it. The headaches, the struggles, the fights, they were all worth it in the end. I came out with a better understanding of what love is. Now I understand what love can do for and do to you.

I've seen people say that they're too hurt to love again, and they're scared to put themselves back in a situation to love again. That mentality confuses me because the way I see it, if you've gone and experienced true love, you know that it's completely worth it in the end. I'll willingly put myself through pain and agony if it means there's light at the end of the tunnel. If I have to go through a couple dates and get burned by some girls, that'll be fine by me if it means that it brings me closer to finding the woman who I'm going to start a family with, raise my children with.

https://youtu.be/jx96Twg-Aew

I promise I won't turn this blog into me being sadboy about relationships and whatnot, lollll. I just know that I want to write down and express how I feel about this shit, because its the first time I've ever felt it. And I want my next girl to be my last girl, so if all goes right, I won't ever feel this again :) so expect some more corny relationship posts, but know that's not all that this blog is gonna be about.

Poker in the sky

One day I'm gonna write some poetry about how i feel. I don't wanna die without trying to describe how i feel through poetry.

I could even justify it by saying I'm making a rap, lolllll

Hotline Blang!

https://youtu.be/9MbCZcl3d90

Staring At The Beast With Teeth Blood Red

I'm in a really interesting spot in my life. I'm just gonna freeball this shit and we'll see how this goes, lol.

I both love and hate the fact that I'm single. On one hand, I love the freedom and independence that comes with being single. I don't have to answer to anyone. I don't have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration when I make decisions. I can do pretty much anything I want. I can flirt with whoever I want, say whatever I want to say, do whatever I want to do. Accidentally flirt with that new girl you just met? You ain't gotta worry dawg, you ain't gotta feel regretful. There's no one you have to answer to, no relationship you have to protect.

On the other hand, I know for a fact that I was happier back when I was in a relationship. My ex was amazing to me. She wasn't perfect and neither was I, but we were a force to reckoned with. We approached every obstacle we encountered together and no matter how hard it was, we figured out something that worked for us. She was so sweet, caring, thoughtful, and was so good at doing the little things. There are countless little things she did that made me appreciate the hell out of her.

Breaking up with her was absolutely one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. We were so incredibly happy together. I knew going into the breakup that I was going transition from a position where I was incredibly happy with her, into a position where I would be single and not nearly as happy as I was with her. I knew this going into it and that made it that much harder to break up.

Why would I willingly go from a position where I was happy, into a position where we separated and I wasn't nearly as happy? No bullshit, I did it because I love her and always will. When you truly love someone, you want the best for them always, even if that means not being together anymore. I knew that we wouldn't be together happily ever after. So instead of letting our relationship slowly deteriorate, I opted to end things between us. If you truly love someone, you want to see them happy and winning. The reasons we broke up are important but I won't go into detail about them here. I knew that she would find a better man for her and I hoped that I would find the right woman for me. I haven't gotten to talk to her much about her new man but I hope that he's treating her as well as she deserves to be treated.

I do know that I'm still not really ready for another relationship. I'm too selfish. I'm not too welcoming to the idea of having to take another person's interests into consideration. I don't think I'm too willing to compromise and make sacrifices, as is absolutely crucial and necessary in relationships.

I do hope that I turn that corner soon. Cuffing season is right around the corner, lol! Just kidding. But I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in November. If I put things in perspective, I'm still really young. If I look at the big picture, I have plenty of time to do what I want. One thing is I've always planned on is getting married at 28 or 29. That'd give my wife and I a couple of years to fuck around, travel, do all the things we want to do before we're tied down by family life(I'm thinking kids by 32 or 33). This isn't a drop dead deadline, more so a general timeframe of how I'd like my life to go. Gauging from my prior relationships, i think it'd take a minimum of 3 years in a relationship before I decide whether or not I want to marry someone. That means that if I want to adhere to this loose timeframe of mine, I should find a girl over the next year or two and hope it works out.

The funny thing is, I can't even begin to imagine myself dating right now! For some odd reason, I don't even enjoy talking to girls right now. I've always enjoyed talking to girls more than guys, but ever since the breakup, I now dread the thought and actively avoid extended conversations with women! It's no fault of theirs; I'm just a weirdo right now and prefer the direct and predictable conversations I have with guys. There's something to be said about the predictability and rules of guy convos. I just know that some poor girls have actively tried to engage me in conversation (both flirty and non-flirty), and I actively avoid and try to end those conversations as quickly as possible.

Thankfully, I think I'm slowly breaking out of my post-breakup shell. I'm hanging out with my best female friend more and more, and its helping me ease back into being able to conversations with girls(its not that bad Ryan, I promise! Lol). It's showing me that I'm capable of hanging out with a girl and not being too weird or quiet. Hanging out with her is giving me hope that the Single Ryan of yesteryear can finally make his way back out into society! Single Ryan was charming, charismatic, funny, and generally a fun guy to be around. I feel like I've toned down all of those aspects of my character, but here's to hoping that I break out of this post-breakup slump. Here's to hoping that Single Ryan makes his way back into society and post-breakup Ryan can stop being such a weirdo!

Been a good day to run away

https://youtu.be/A8wcpfLP88M bro, what I would give to have the Majid Jordan only version of this song.

Kites

If I were an artist, I don't think I would care if people didn't interpret the art the way I wanted them to. Let's say I made a song about heartbreak. I would hope that people hear it and use it to help them get through that emotion. Or they could use it to reflect on a previous breakup.

That being said, I wouldn't even care if people "missed the point" of the song. If someone heard my song about heartbreak and found that it was the happiest song they've ever heard about, I wouldn't mind at all. Someone could hear my heartbreak song and use it in their sunny day, summer playlist. I wouldn't mind at all.

What I would mind is if my art didn't move you. If you hear my song and it doesn't move you at all, doesn't evoke any kind of emotion for you, doesn't make you feel a certain way, then I've failed as an artist. Like, the worst thing you could tell me is that you're wishy-washy about my song. You can tell me that my song sucks and it only barely makes you feel a certain way, and that'd be fine with me. But if you told me that you're indifferent about my song, that would bother me deeply.

Paris

This song means a lot to me. Everywhere I've looked, it's been described as a sad song. Yukimi's friend died and the song is full of sad descriptions. However, I think that not only is this song a happy song, I think it's the definition of a feel-good story.
The song is about Yukimi missing her friend. They had written many letters to each other and stayed in communication. They were planning on meeting each other in Paris, but Yukimi's friend died before they could set it up. Yukimi is heartbroken and is stuggling to cope. However, the first verse shows that she's making strides to "move on and look ahead instead." She acknowledges that what they had was incredible and it's horrible that they weren't able to meet in Paris the way they planned, but she's doing okay now and is able to move on.
That's the definition of a feel-good story! Being sad and heart-broken is terrible. It feels like it won't ever go away and you end up afraid that you'll feel this way forever. I know I've reached a point where I look at myself and tell myself that I'm being dramatic, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel alone and scared. After having such deep, personal feelings, you truly feel stuck. It's a terrifying feeling. But in "Paris", Yukimi found the strength to dig herself out of that hole, no matter how hard it might have been for her.

This joint has got me open

Tuxedo - Do It (Official Video): http://youtu.be/Q-gcfQhR_9c

Little known fact: I'm the inspiration for this music video. The protagonist? That's me, lol

Im so dependent

A big part of being in love is allowing yourself to be you when you're with your significant other. You've got to be able to be vulnerable around them. You've got to let them see the real you, imperfections and all.

My sister and one of her exes(let's call him Kevin) made it a point to show off the fact that they "never fought." Somehow they managed to convince themselves that they never had conflicts, that they never let disagreements escalate to anything more than just a civilized discussion.

Being able to tell people that you and your significant other never fight is awesome, but it's entirely unrealistic. If you put two or more people together, conflict is inevitable. You can try your hardest to simply let it go whenever you get into a fight, but that's disingenuous to your SO. Part of being in love is allowing your SO to see you at your worst, so that they can know all of you, not just you when you guys are happy. You can get away with letting things go for only so long. Eventually, you're going to have to let them see you when you're angry.

Let me give you a more extreme example. Let's say my sister and Kevin managed to stick together for a couple years. They had gotten away with not fighting because Kevin had the strength to let things slide whenever a disagreement was brewing(and let's be clear, letting things go takes a lot of strength and trust). The thing is, marriage is for forever and Kevin won't be able to let things slide forever. Eventually those true colors are going to come out and he's going to react. That reaction is going to be something that my sister Jamie has never seen out of him before. Jamie's going to be taken aback because this is a part of Kevin that she's never seen before. Now they've got issues because this isn't the Kevin that Jamie married. Hopefully they can patch things up, but they would have avoided the issue altogether if Kevin had allowed Jamie to see his true colors. He justified letting things go by saying he was doing the best thing for their relationship. What he was actually doing was making things worse and putting issues off for a later time. No matter how pure his intentions, he probably should have been honest and pure with his actions.

Obviously this is a bit of an extreme example. But I think there is something to be said about people who are scared to let their true colors show. The moral of the story, kids, is to not be afraid to let your lover see the crazy side of you. You might think you're doing what's best for your relationship by letting things slide(and there are definitely times where that's appropriate and necessary), but eventually you're going to have to respond honestly and address the issue directly. You can try to mask it and hide it for as long as possible but if you truly love your significant other, you have to let them love  you for all of you, flaws and all.

Okay okay, this was a really shitty and cheesy post. But that's all I got for you right now, you greedy fucks. Lol

U

http://soundcloud.com/majidjordan/04u i don't know how to embed this on my phone or tablet but here goes, lol

Dem ghorls

Ugh, it's Friday night and I'm out with my girls. I just wanna go out and forget about these stupid boys! I just wanna go out and dance! I just wanna dance!

Mark Morrison- Return Of The Mack Lyrical Video: http://youtu.be/6TBid5bCS2Q

Sad and lonely

Milan, my favorite sports team, is about to sell Mario Balotelli, one of my favorite athletes.

This is hard to admit, but when times get hard, I find myself listening to the most EMO and DRAMATIC songs. This is fucking hilarious lol

Keyshia Cole-I Remember

This whole Ferguson thing is crazy. I really wish I was still in school and could participate in a sociology class discussion about race. That'd be an interesting convo

I remember when my dad died, I didn't cry. I helped my mom go to Costco to buy party supplies that would be necessary for all the people that would be coming through our house over the next few weeks. I had my mom buy me NBA live that day. I played the hell out of that game. I would lock myself in my room, bump music, and play NBA live and grand theft auto.

Anyway, over the next few days, I remember talking to my dad in my head, telling him that I knew that I now had to step up like Robert Horry(he was tearing shit UP at that time). I thought I would be able to step up and be the man of the house.

I learned quickly that it just wasn't possible. I was just a young boy with so much to learn. I figured that if I couldn't do that, the least I could do is do my best to not be a burden to my mom.

My mom had a horrible time trying to recover from my dad's death. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and struggled overall to take care of herself. She never wavered when it came to taking care of me or Jamie, but she couldn't find it in herself to do what she needed for herself. It wasn't for a lack of trying, either. She was going to support groups for widows. She was taking sleeping pills. She was talking to our doctor for possible solutions to her struggles. Nothing worked and it got scary for a while.

Then she found relief in church. Her best friend (my sister's godmother) invited her to join the cursillo with her. Together they went through the initiation process and together they made it. Part of the initiation process involved a weekend retreat. I don't know what they did during the retreat, but after the retreat, my mom seemed like a changed person. She seemed grateful and happy for all of the blessings in her life. After that point, I stopped worrying about my mom taking care of herself.

After she joined the cursillo, she forced my sister and I to go to church every weekend as well as join the cursillo in praying the rosary each Sunday. My sister and I attended CCD each week.

I hated going to church. For me it was boring and a waste of time. It didn't do much for me. I still wish my mom didn't force church on me and my sister the way she did.

That's not to say that I hated church and religion as an insttution. I firmly believe that the church saved my mom's life. Without my mom finding herself in church, I have no idea where my sister and I would be today.

So there I was. My dad was gone. My mom was there taking care of me and my sister and after she had found herself in church, I knew that she would take care of herself, which meant that she would be capable of taking care of us as well.

I figured life would slow down for me, that people would be sympathetic to my struggles. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was in seventh grade when my dad died. I was enrolled in some advanced classes already but I started struggling. I thought teachers would take it easy on me. But I never really communicated with them what was going on, so they never cut me any slack. They can't help someone who doesn't ask for help.

I became a little disinterested in things. I remember requesting to speak to a school counselor, just to see what she would say about my dad dying. Honestly, i really only did it have an excuse to get out of class. But when I did get to speak to my school counselor, I ended up telling her I was having a hard time focusing in school after my dad's passing. I guarantee you she had no idea that her workday was going to end with her having to console a grieving 11 year old. That poor woman. It's gotta be tough, being a middle school counselor.

My teachers weren't cutting me any slack, but the other kids were much worse. We were all trying to deal with the struggle that is middle school life, so it seemed that no one had time to check up on little me; they had no choice but to worry about self-preservation, something that admittedly is pretty draining during middle school.

Movies and television paint this picture that high school is this terrible place and time in everyone's life, full of bullying, judging, and public embarrassment. But in my experience, high school wasn't that difficult at all as far as social interactions go. Middle school was much worse. I saw bullying, fights and peer pressure all the time. Everyone was struggling to figure out where they were on the social scale.

For 11 year old me, this meant that my closest friends were unforgiving in their pursuit to make sure that they ended up as high as possible on the social totem pole. They saw a deflated boy with self confidence issues and pounced on that weakness. Despite the fact that I was struggling with morning my father's death, my friends went on with the teenage ritual which is poking at each other's insecurities, finding each other's weaknesses and tearing each other a new asshole. I would give examples but I think I might have blocked those memories since they were so painful, lol. What I do remember is thinking, "these are the people I call my friends. Why aren't they treating me the way friends should year each other?"

I was also bullied by the cool kids on the bus. They would flick my ears and I wouldn't react with anything more than an angry glance. They would point their laser pointer in my eye until I reacted, at which point they do their macho dance, screaming "what are you gonna do, pussy? Nothing, that's right!" After a certain point, I stopped taking the school bus and opted instead to have my mom drop me off and pick me up from school. I told her I was doing extra curricular work with teachers. I think she still has no idea why I really needed her to take me to and pick me up from school. This is about the same time that I realized that I wasn't capable of being the "man of the house", whatever that meant. Like I said before, I needed to try my best to not be a burden to my mom. Having her take me to and pick me up from school definitely wasn't what I wanted, but again, it was part of me having to do the whole self-preservation thing. I couldn't grow as a person while having to deal with all of that bullying and pressure.

I think the first time I cried over the death of my father was in October 2012, the ten year anniversary of his death. I was off at college, living it up. My friends were throwing a surprise birthday party for one of our friends. That entire day was a struggle for me, as I reflected on many things. Was I making my dad proud? Was I happy with where I was at in life? I knew I was okay because I was set to graduate college in four years, something that I knew my dad would be proud of. He had always stressed that he wanted me and my sister to graduate from college. I came to the realization that I probably had made it through his death okay. I didn't have any lingering after effects, no daddy issues I needed to get over. The tears that I was crying that October afternoon were simply because I missed him. And that that was perfectly fine.

I ended up missing the birthday surprise but I did make it in time to party with the birthday boy. We ended up doing the ever popular "Edward 40hands" drinking game and got entirely too drunk. I drove home that night and was too drunk to drive. I pulled over and opted to get some drunk food at Carl's Jr. I remember listening to Childish Gambino's "All The Shine" and just breaking down completely. I sat there in line at the drive thru, crying years' worth of tears. Up to that point I knew that I missed him but that moment really shed light on how intense my feelings were as far as missing him. I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about how much I wanted him to be there to see me graduate. I wanted him to just know that I was okay, that my mom and sister were okay. I had come to grips with the fact that he was gone forever, but I wanted to give anything to have him alive for just one day, to celebrate how far we've come in life thanks to him.

Since then, I've definitely had a couple of crying sessions after thinking about my dad. Making up for years' worth of tears, I suppose. And I'm sure I'll shed more tears in the future when I think about him. It'll be so intense when I have to explain to my children that their grandfather died eleven years after I was born. It'll be tough when my sister gets married and isn't able to be walked down the aisle by Dad. Honestly the toughest thing for me is worrying that my mom will retire soon and won't have my dad there to retire into the sunset and grow old with her. Luckily she has a tremendous support system in the church and our relatives. And she's the strongest individual in the world, so I'm sure she'll be okay. Maybe the best way for me to pay back all of the hard work my dad did is to make sure my mom doesn't have to worry about a damn thing for the rest of her life.

See the thang about you that caught my eye

You really won't get any of my personality off of a first impression. Unless we're in a setting where we're talking or something, you probably will think I'm just a quiet dude. Then you'll go off and assume I'm a boring dude.

To be fair, i probably am a really boring dude, lol. But that seems unfair, to meet me once and think you have me all figured out

The Worst

Jhene Aiko's "The Worst" is one of the strongest songs I've heard in a long time. Definitely one of the best "the pain of a woman" songs I've heard in ages. I keep listening to the live version, bobbing my head every time her band inserts the Kanye "Workout Plan" sample/section/whatever. My God

My Kanye Stream of Consciousness

Travelers are generally one of the most optimistic, supportive, and happy groups of people that I've come across. They're always so positive and supportive when it comes to encouraging others to get out and see the world.

However, there's a subset of this group that I absolutely despise. They talk about how they do encourage others to travel, but when someone speaks about how they want to travel to ____, they speak on how they "would go there, but EVERYONE wants to go there." They talk about how they'd rather go to places that people wouldn't think to normally go.

For example, I told a co-worker how some buddies and I are going to Brazil for the world cup. She immediately started talking about how "omg everyone's trying to go there," in a tone that made it seem less cool to go to Brazil because it'll be a popular tourist destination this summer. Somehow the positive, encouraging demeanor she gave off a week ago had disappeared, replaced by a pessimist who seemed hell bent on speaking on why she wouldn't want to go Brazil at that time.

She even had the nerve to ask, "do you even like soccer?" If only she knew, lol. Even if I didn't like soccer, that doesn't mean she should discourage my travels. Her words betrayed the attitude she gave off when she spoke of traveling. She had been quick to speak on how everyone can benefit from traveling, but that attitude was no where to be seen at this point, as she was now so quick to describe how uncool it is to want to go to Brazil for the world cup.

I generally love people who enjoy traveling. But I've found a subset of the group who are more intent on getting good profile pictures, Instagram photos, and stories to tell others, instead of focusing on what I find to be the more rewarding benefits of traveling.

The ability to soak in another culture, allowing you to compare and contrast that culture with yours. This forces you to think about how different your life would be if you had to grow up in this foreign culture. It forces you to think about how the culture you did grow up in shaped you. Seeing foreign architecture is a personal favorite of mine. In America, our oldest buildings are 500, 600 years old at the most. Being in a foreign country where you can set foot in a 1500 year-old church is such a wild experience for me. Being semi-lost in an absolutely foreign culture gives me an almost perverted feeling of excitement. (Editor's note: I realize this paragraph is poorly structured. I'm probably going to have to revisit this topic at a later time.)

If you want to travel so that you can share with your friends and family how will traveled and cultures you are, that's perfectly fine. But I think you're missing out on the more rewarding benefits of traveling.

Part of me feels like I'm exactly what I described earlier, in that I'm discouraging travel for the sake of getting pictures and stories to tell your friends and family. I should be absolutely for traveling, regardless of the circumstances.

And I am! I don't think you'll ever hear words come out of my mouth that discourage anyone from traveling. I encourage everyone to get out and see the world. But I do highly suggest that you do it for yourself, not for the sake of getting cool pictures for Instagram likes or to be able to tell cool campfire stories. Do it truly and absolutely for yourself, to learn more about yourself and how you interact with the world.

This post is an awesome example of sitting yourself down and thinking out loud and jotting it down as you go. Little to no editing, just make sure you get your thoughts out. My creative writing professor would be so proud of me right now, lol

We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

Grown-ass baby moment: I'm about to buy a bourgie grill with no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to figure it out as I go. I'm like a kid trying to assemble a toy set, only instead of toys, I have a grill.

We Made It!

Beach House- Teen Dream
Beach House-Bloom
The xx-xx
Mayer Hawthorne-Every fucking project he's ever put out(Dickrider alert!)
Drake-almost on Mayer's level, damn near everything he puts out is fire.
The Weeknd-House of Balloons

This is the Ryan Manalili certified list of PERFECT albums.
If they with me just know that they with it and bout it!

I can't let this happen, can't let this happen

Man, "locking himself in his room and bumping music" Ryan hasn't come out in a long while. Damn shame too, that's when he wrote his best work.

Nowadays, he's resorting to talking about himself in the third person, ha!

Championship Belt

One of the best moments of my life just happened. My mom is on the couch, with her dog and my dog cuddled up next to her. She told me to "look at how happy the dogs are." Then she said "see, this is so calm and peaceful...", before falling asleep again. I'm so glad my mom and our dogs are happy.

Gotta appreciate these kinds of things while you still can, yaddidamean?

Trophies

I'm gonna learn to play the trumpet so that me and a friend can play the trumpet and drums part to songs like drake's "trophies" or kanye's "all of the knights"

It's The Beginning Of Forever

Recently, a Kanye interview from like 2003 or something was making its rounds around the internet. It was awesome. Everything about it was so awesome; what he was wearing, his honesty, just the way he was answering the questions. There were some quotes from there that ended up on the end of "Last Call."

And the reception was awesome. People were saying how he was just brutally honest, funny, outgoing. Much more willing to answer questions back then compared to how he is now.

What stuck out to me, however, was the amount of people saying "man, the guy hasn't changed one bit since then. Same guy since day one."

While that might sound awesome, that it looks like he's stuck to his guns, morals, and ideals, I'm not so sure that that's what Kanye was aiming for. I know it isn't what I would want to hear if I were him.

What I would want people to say is, "Wow, it's so interesting to see that there are some similarities between what he was like back then and what he's like now. The honesty, the smart answers, the comedy, it's all there. But you can still see that he's changed, that he's grown. He's not exactly like he was back then. He might have some similarities, but he's obviously learned from his experiences and used those experiences to change and grow."

That's what I want people to say about me when they see anything from my past, whether it be pictures, video, or even my blog posts. I want people to see some things and shake their heads. I want them to see other things and say, "Wow, you had that quality from an early age and you've worked so hard at what you do."

I really hope no one can look at me and say that I haven't changed one bit. I want them to say, "Wow, you really changed, but in a good way."

Ivana

I want my kids to go to college away from home. I want to have kids when my wife and I want them, and not a minute sooner. I want my dog to play catch with me in the waves. I want to retire early with enough money to travel. I want to travel now, while I'm young and without too many obligations. I want to make my mom proud. I want my mom to take care of her grandkids. God, would she be an amazing grandmother. I want to dance with my mom at my wedding. That would probably be one of the most intense moments of my entire life.

These are a bunch of my life goals. Nothing too crazy, nothing too outlandish. I'm aiming high with a few, setting the bar low with others. But these are the things I wish to accomplish in my life. I have no doubt in my mind that, with a little bit of luck, I can do all these things. And if I am lucky enough to achieve all of these things, I would have lived a full and complete life, in my eyes.

Everything else is just a minor detail.

Look yall

Drake, Phoenix, daft punk, Justin Timberlake, asap Rocky, Mayer Hawthorne, all dropped GREAT albums this year. Hell, Tyler the creator even dropped a secretly great album this year! Chance the rapper dropped a classic mixtape...Fuck, there's probably dozens of other albums/mixtape that I haven't gotten a chance to listen to that are probably dope as hell. I haven't listened to anything the weeknd has put out since the trilogy. Maybe his album was good. I dunno, either way, 2013 is such a good year for music. We just need a new Frank ocean and Adele album and we'd be set! We's hongry out here on these streets!

We Keep These Promises, These Promises

A good album will have you sitting there, pondering all kinds of shit. Thinking about choices you've made in your life, both recent and in the far past. It'll have you thinking about where you wanna go, what you wanna do in the future. Got you asking yourself, "Will I be happy? Damn, am I even happy right now? Maybe not, I guess I gotta fix things."

Sometimes I'll listen to a favorite album of mine and just zone the fuck out, thinking and feeling all kinds of different shit. I can physically feel my brain working and being stimulated. I think it's more or less the same feeling I would get when I used to try and meditate.

Looking at it this way, I think you could say that a good album really is like a drug. It alters your thought process and has you thinking and processing things in a way that's different from when you're sober.

I wish I could watch video tape footage of me when I get into this zone. Do I look like I'm high? Do I look like I'm tripping off acid? Or better yet, do I look normal as hell? That'd be awesome because that'd mean that you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at me that my mind is going 100mph in every direction.

I dunno. All I know is that I feel so alive when I get into this zone

Eyes On You

I forgot the password to my college email. That's crazy. It's been that long, eh?

I was gonna email a soc professor I had, telling him that I'm working as a welfare worker in Lemon Grove, California. It's the same area that was featured in "The Lemon Grove Incident", a movie/documentary he had shown us in class about one of the earliest court cases in America regarding school segregation. He had shown us a film about racism right in my backyard. It gave me chills back then to learn about the history behind an area literally a handful of miles away from my home; now I wanted to get back to that professor to let him know that I'm working IN that area, helping people in need.

But alas, looks like I'll never get that satisfaction. Me forgetting my email login credentials is gonna prevent me from telling that professor what I'm up to nowadays. Come to think of it, I don't even remember the professor's name. And I wouldn't even want to go through the trouble of looking him up, though I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard of a search. Yeah, I think I'm good off all that haha

And it was you

It's really interesting what people stress in their identity. There's certain aspects of a person's identity that they're quick to share with others. You can tell this by what people talk about and how they talk about it.

That's why I think it's really interesting what people choose to talk about. They can talk about billions of different topics, but they choose to talk about that exact topic. The fact that they talk about it means that they place value in that topic

I love tall evergreen trees. I would love to be in Connecticut for the fall/winter.

But I bet a lot of people would trip out if they got to see Palm trees in summer like I do here.

I guess the grass...I mean, the trees are greener on the other side! You get it? The trees!? Nvm, I'll show myself out

I Think There's Something

You ever just sit there and write and write without proofreading? You wanna go back and delete stuff and format things differently to make everything flow better? Well I've kind of just said, "Fuck that," I might end up fucking everything up. Besides, I wrote it, so it has worth. No need to delete things!" I dunno, maybe it's just laziness. I wanna say it's a way of forcing myself to live with what I write. Yeah.