Sunday, December 11, 2016

Reminder

I feel like things had been happening to me. I wasn't really experiencing things, they would just happen to me and I would respond. Instead of actively participating, I would just sit back as different events occurred in my life. They would occur and I would respond accordingly.

I realized recently that this isn't a great way to live. I don't feel nearly as *alive* as I used to. I didn't know how to break out of this slump though. I would reach different breakthroughs, however. I remember feeling great because I realized that all of the resources I needed were there for me(mainly my friends and family). But I would struggle with how to utilize those resources. I would talk to my friends and family but i wouldn't really make any progress.

I'm not sure what's changed in my life, but I just feel different now. Different in a good way. Instead of letting things happen to me and responding, I'm actively participating. I'm taking action. I'm being proactive in a way that I haven't in years. It feels great.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. I would stop breathing(10 seconds or more) 95.5 times an hour. That's WILD. Surely that had an effect on my everyday life.

Now that I've been diagnosed and started treatment in the form of a CPAP machine, I've felt a lot better. I wouldn't say the difference is night and day, but it's absolutely noticeable. I don't fall asleep at work anymore. I've been having much more meaningful conversations. Not only have I been more physically active, I've felt better as I exercise.

I feel a lot more normal. It feels like I've reached a mountain peak and I get to look down(or back) on the world below. I'm reluctant to say that I'm *okay* now, because I felt that I was okay many times before, only to find that I still had a ways to go. But I do feel very optimistic with how things are progressing.

I've found that I've experienced a lot of love from different friends and family. I also have to give credit to my primary care doctor and seeing a therapist. Seeing them has helped me sort out what's real, what's not, and how I can improve.

There's a lot of music out there about how love is the only thing that's real and worth striving for. Money and possessions are awesome but at the end of the day love is all you really have(or something corny like that, lol). I've been fucking with that message so much lately. Yeah.


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